


Stay Gold

by jessetheshortie



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Attempt at Humor, Child Abuse, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Teenagers, F/M, Hurt Dan Howell, M/M, No Smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Phil Lester Is A Sweetheart, Tags May Change, Underage Smoking, Verbal Abuse, dan howell is a sarcastic little butt, no swearing sorry I just don't like it idk it's hard to explain, paul brothers?!?(ew sorry but it's part of the plot), phanfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-02-16 08:17:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13050120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessetheshortie/pseuds/jessetheshortie
Summary: "lazy""stupid""no one likes you""fat""ugly"that's what his mum calls himeveryone thinks Dan Howell is a bad boy. But they just assume that he's dark and soulless, when really, he's just brokenbut he meets Phil Lester, who calls him"handsome""amazing""incredible""smart""sunshine"





	1. hi. so my name is [dan]

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first phanfic so sorry if it sucks!
> 
> idk about an updating schedule, which probably means it won't be frequent
> 
> and the format might be a little wonky but I kinda have an idea for it, so if there's no periods or capitalization and you get easily angered by that, I'm really sorry
> 
> but enjoy! At least I hope you do =-= <3
> 
> ps also trigger warning  
> yes it's the first chapter, but there is some child abuse

[dan] <3

Sometimes being tall paid off 

longer strides to get away from the pain

but it was easier for people to find you

to yell at you

to scar you

Dan knew from experience

"Daniel James Howell! I need to talk to you" usually meant "Get over here, I'm angry at the world and I'm going to take it out on you"

laying on his black and gray patterned bed, he unconsciously rubbed his collarbone, wincing when pain flared from yesterday night, when she was especially wasted

time to start the usual routine

getting up and stretching

aching

smooth out his rumpled black clothes

pop in his onyx earrings

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/161556215@N07/25279151048/in/dateposted-public/)

straighten his curly brown hair into a sleek fringe

 stare at his face in the mirror

_I hate myself, I'm so ugly_

grab his bag

climb out the window onto the tree and down, so he didn't disturb his mother, who was usually passed out on the couch in front of the door

walk to school

As he walked, he shivered as the bitter cold of winter wind swirled and bit him

if only he had a winter coat

but all he had was a black jacket

When he arrived at school, everyone looked away like normal, avoiding his gaze

being a loner was, well, lonely at times

he remembered when he had friends

_Louise, PJ, Tyler, Troye_

They had meant the world to him and he would've done practically anything for them

but that was back before his father died

before his mum went crazy and drank all the time

before she beat him

he forced every single person that was close to him away so they didn't have to worry about him

_that was so long ago_

Someone bumped into Dan and startled him out of his reminiscing

"'Ey! Watch where you're goin' ya little twat!" he snapped at some scared freshman.

the kid scurried off to first period

he sighed and walked to art

=-=

Dan actually liked art

expressing your feelings and all that crap

but the teacher despised most of the students

and today he felt like annoying someone

so today he threw paper airplanes at the teacher until he snapped

"Mr. Howell, please stop that."

"But it's art."

"No it's not."

"It's 3D art. Has length, width and height does it not?"

"Don't make me send you to the office young man."

"I'm not a young man, I'm a teenager. And I know I'm right about the paper airplanes."

"Mr. Howell-"

"Oh no, are you going to send me to the office? Oh, I'd better straighten up before I have to get lectured by Ms. Bisognin or Mr. Kjellberg."

someone snickered in the back of the class

immediately the teacher whirled around

"Who was that?"

all the students arranged their faces to be completely neutral

"Mark, who was it?"

"I have no idea sir. I was just dipping my brush in the water to make it moist."

he went around questioning every student

no one would give the person that laughed away

until

"Jake tell me or you get sent to Mr. Kjellberg."

Jake's mouth opened

Dan rolled his eyes.  _Jake's such a wuss._

"It was Phil sir."

Dan cocked his head.  _Who's Phil? Never heard of him before_

"Phil Lester, you have a detention! And you-" he turned to Dan "have one as well!"

Dan smirked. "Whatever." he sat down and continued folding paper airplanes

=-=

The day went on as normal

or as normal as Dan's days usually were

lunch came and went

he sat by himself and ate a bag of chips  **[note: should I change it to crisps? Because I know that's what they're called in England, but I live in the U.S.]**

went out to his secret place in the back, where he could smoke a cigarette without anyone noticing

as the smoke went through his system

he started to calm down

Dan only smoked once a day

unless he was extremely stressed

back to classes

then the end of the day

and detention

wonderful

but it was with Phil Lester

so this ought to be... entertaining

he usually was alone

but when other people were in it... now that was fun

he walked down the deserted hallways

to the art room

and when he entered

Phil Lester was already sitting at a desk

head lowered

_by the looks of it, seems as if he's never gotten in trouble in his life_

Dan sat next to him to get a better look

he had a black fringe that looked similar to Dan's 

but his was swept the other way

he had extremely pale skin

and wore a bright blue shirt with what seemed to be a penguin with a... jetpack? 

_What the- ok then_

_not the weirdest thing I've ever seen_

_right?_

Phil looked up as Dan plunked down next to him

Dan put his feet on the desk 

pulled out his phone

and started scrolling through Tumblr

"Hey...?"

"Hi, so my name is [Dan]." Dan made air brackets with his fingers "Nice to meet you."

"Is that how you introduce yourself to people? 'Cause that's kinda weird-"

"Nah, just to you. Now will you kindly please shut up?"

"Uh... excuse me? The teacher is-"

"I don't give a chicken nugget about the teacher."

Phil covered his mouth

but a giggle escaped

just then, their art teacher decided to walk in

Dan had never bothered to remember his name

too much effort

=-=

for the next hour

they scrubbed the sinks

and cleaned paintbrushes

palettes

tables

organized various supplies

then they were allowed to go home

Dan had just started to walk out

when Phil tapped him on the shoulder

"Bye [Dan]." Phil joked

"I'm going to regret doing that, aren't I?"

"Yep!" Phil grinned "Y'know, you aren't as bad as people say you are."

at that moment Dan had popped in his earbuds

"Go home and don't talk to me again."

"Uh-"

Dan strolled off

leaving Phil standing alone

wondering

=-=

As soon as Phil was out of sight

Dan ran

he had gotten too close

even though it had been only an hour

Phil made him want to talk more

but Dan just wanted to be alone

he slowed down

gasping for breath

_smoking really doesn't help when you want to run_

_oh well_

Dan climbed up the tree into his room

but paused as he heard a noise

then footsteps pounded up the stairs

and Dan knew

_oh no_

_no_

_not this early_

_please_

he looked around desperately

as the door swung open

and his mother appeared with a broken beer bottle

_why does she always have to buy glass ones_

_those hurt so much_

she swung her gaze drunkenly around

and it stopped on Dan

he shrank down

"Daniel..."

that was the voice that haunted him in his nightmares

he closed his eyes

as the first bits of glass embedded them in his skin

and her fists beat him

and she kicked him in the stomach

and the verbal assault began

"You're so fat."

"No one loves you."

"You're so stupid."

he curled up into an even tighter ball of misery

tears tracked their way down his face

which he wiped off as fast as he could

she took any weakness

and destroyed him

and his last thought before blacking out was

_help me_

_=-=_


	2. What's a glabella?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil doesn't know what to make of Dan  
> he will admit he is kinda cute... even though he isn't gay (at least, he doesn't think so...)  
> he was funny  
> and angry and... hurt?  
> what happened to him?  
> why is he like this?  
> Phil wants to be his friend
> 
> but this proves to be a slight challenge to say the least...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the kudos <3 and now presenting... Phil Lester everyone!

Phil ^_^

Phil awoke to the smell of pancakes

as he did every morning

he went down to breakfast and ate four pancakes with syrup and bacon

then realized his contacts were missing

"Mum? Do you know where my contacts are?"

"Nope! Your glasses are next to the TV though!"

he shrugged

then grabbed his backpack

and climbed into his car

drove to school as usual

but a certain someone was on his mind

_Dan Howell_

_he's the 'bad boy' supposedly_

_but he was really funny and nice_

_until it was like he realized he was actually socializing_

Phil was so deep in though that he almost ran a red light

he shook his head

_I gotta stop obsessing over this guy..._

_but he just looks like he needs_

_a friend_

arriving at the school

he glanced around for Dan

he didn't see him of course

but he did see his friends

"Phil!" Louise ran towards him

"Hi Louise! How are ya?"

"Very good!" she beamed at him "But Troye is sick. Poor thing, caught the flu and was throwing up everywhere apparently."

"Aw man, I hope he feels better!"

"Also, I see you're wearing your glasses! They look so adorable on you!"

he smiled

"Thanks Louise."

they walked to class

Phil craned his neck to look for Dan

he knew he came into class late though

ten minutes into splattering paint on a canvas and pretending it was art

Dan walked in

he passed by Phil

a faint scent of smoke wafted by

_oh wow... that smells recent_

Dan slumped into the seat in front of him

"Psst... Dan."

Dan grunted and muttered something that sounded like "'eave me 'lone mh tured"

"What happene-"

Dan gave him a look

and Phil could've sworn

those chocolate eyes were the saddest

most pained thing

he'd ever seen

"Leave. Me. Alone."

he then buried his head in his crossed arms on the desk

and Phil though he saw

a purple

and blue spot

on Dan's neck

but Dan shifted and Phil blinked his eyes

and it was gone

=-=

at lunch Phil followed Dan

outside to a back area

and peeked around the corner

to see Dan light a cigarette

and start smoking

he blew smoke rings

that wafted and dispersed up into the

bright

clear sky

_that actually looks really cool_

_he looks so... peaceful_

and it was true

his eyes were closed blissfully

like he was blocking out the world

as he leaned up against the side of the school

soon Dan finished

and tossed the cigarette down

crumpled it with the toe of his worn out shoe

and started ambling

towards where Phil was watching him

_oh shoot_

_uh oh_

_cmon Phil... think of something!_

he looked around frantically

there were

bushes

_oh come on-_

Dan's footsteps grew louder

Phil jumped over the bush and crouched behind it

he saw Dan's feet pause in front of the bush

then continued on

as Dan went back to class

Phil stood up and walked back into the school

pondering what he had seen

=-=

after school

Phil started to walk home with his friends

he mostly tuned them out though

he was deep in thought about Dan Howell

he almost ran into a stop sign

PJ warned him in time though

"Phil my man, what's on ya mind?"

"Hm?"

"You almost like, ran into that sign. I know you're clumsy, but like dang dood."

he didn't want to lie...

but he wouldn't tell the whole problem

"Ooh... is it a girl? Which one?"

PJ then started listing random girls at our schools

he told PJ he'd tell him if he got it right

although he'd never guess it

 =-=

as he unlocked his front door

he was greeted with silence

as usual

he did his homework

as usual

he thought about Dan Howell

Phil wasn't sure what to think

was he gay for thinking about a guy like this

no he was just concerned

he didn't really know his parents' views on

this kinda stuff

after homework he laid down

_I should've asked for his phone number_

as he scrolled through twitter

he slowly drifted off

thinking of ways to figure out how to be Dan Howell's friend

=-=

the next day Phil waited for Dan to come to art class

as usual he came in late smelling like cigarettes and sadness

"Hey Dan."

Dan proceeded to ignore him and flop on the desk

"dandandandandandan-"

"What the frick do you want Lester you frickin glabella."

Phil was taken aback

"What's a glabella?"

Dan suddenly looked really uncomfortable

"Um... well y'see..."

Phil googled glabella while Dan was stuttering

"Oh my gosh Dan. You could've just said it's the space between the eyebrows and above the nose." 

he laughed

gosh this was the most he'd laughed in a while

even with his friends

"Look at this diagram!"

Dan sighed as Phil giggled over glabellas

"You should finish your painting."

"So should you... you're behind."

"My behind? What about it?"

Dan wiggled his eyebrows

_man that's really hot- No Phil_

_don't think about that_

_focus on the painting_

Dan stopped talking for the rest of the period

but it was a pretty comfortable silence

Dan ripped off a piece of paper from his notebook

wrote something on it

"Hey... here's my phone number."

he ran off like he was

embarrassed?

Phil shrugged

he put the number in his phone then walked to his next period

=-=

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bleh sorry the update was like really late I don't have any excuses I'm just incredibly lazy <3 also idk why two notes are showing? Woops


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan has a flashback, goes to math class then to the smoke shop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ps this sucks I wrote it over three months ago

[dan] <3

as he walked home

he wondered if he shouldn't have given Phil his number

_was it a good thing to do_

_why does he make me happy_

_I'm not gay_

_I can't be gay_

_mum would kill me_

_she already beats me for less_

_she hates gays_

_because of what happened_

_so I'm not gay_

_but_

_he's-_

_no_

_stop Dan_

he got home and went to his room as usual

***g note***

**I chime in with haven't you people ever heard of**

**answering the phone**

he jumped

he hadn't heard his phone ring in ages

_I really need to change it wow_

"hello?"

"Dan! Hi ohmygosh how are you? I hope I'm not interrupting anything!"

_I_

_I didn't think he'd actually call_

"Dan? Uh, glabellas? Black emo things? Pete Wentz? Brendon Urie? Gerard Way?"

all he could say was

"What?"

"Oh whew, you're alive. I thought that was your voicemail or whatever and-"

"Phil, why are you calling."

"Well you gave me your number, did you want me to text instead? Crap, I should've texted."

"N-no but it was... unexpected. Look, Igottagobye."

"Uh D-"

he hung up

_I'm such an idiot_

_what if she catches me talking to him_

he did his homework

and waited anxiously

hoping she'd be too drunk tonight

hoping she'd forget about him tonight

soon it was 11

he cautiously laid down on his bed

heard the door crash open

held his breath

and heard her collapse

on the creaky couch

Dan breathed a sigh of relief

and went to sleep

=-=

he was shaken awake

by rough hands

sobbing

"M-mum?"

his mum was draped over him

"Oh Daniel, I miss him. I hate him. Why did he abandon us? He abandoned us... for-"

she passed out

he gently picked her up and carried her

down to the couch

it was six am

he remembered his dad being sweet

caring

loving to smile

then one night he heard them screaming

it was during a terrible storm

lightning flashed

thunder crashed

accusations

threats

tears

and his dad flinging the door open

never to return

the police called that next morning

they found his body curled up on the road

in a pool of blood

next to a car with-

Dan shook his head

_stop_

_I need to stop thinking about that_

_the nightmares can't start again_

_or I'll crumple like paper_

silently he did his morning routine

=-=

"Dandandandandandan."

"Lester I swear if you don't stop I'll-"

"What'll you do? Glare at me to death? Force me to listen to Welcome to the Black Parade, 10 hour version?"

"I'll shove you in a microwave."

"Yeah right, I bet you can barely lift up a potato chip."

"Excuse me, I can lift up several potato chips."

"Lester stop talking, you too Howell."

Phil straightened up

seemingly embarrassed from getting in trouble

Dan rolled his eyes and slouched in his seat

_Phil is so easy to talk to_

_why can't I just be friends_

_because what if something happens_

_he'll judge you_

_he doesn't want to be friends with a bad kid_

_one that gets abused almost daily_

_why would anyone want to be friends with you_

_you're crazy for thinking he would be your friend_

_he's just being nice_

Dan shook his head

the little voice that put him down

he tried to get rid of it

but it wouldn't

go

away

"Mr. Howell, would you care to answer number four?"

"Yeah, uh-"

he looked up at the problem

"It's the square root of the triangular prism's area."

the teacher looked kinda shocked

no one ever really expected much out of Dan Howell

"Yes... uh, next problem. PJ?"

Dan saw PJ out of the corner of his eye

jump a bit after staring at someone

Dan smirked

_well_

_some things never change_

_like PJ pining after Chris_

he ran his tongue over his snake bite piercings

he first got them when he was 15

his ears were when he was 14

he was thinking of getting a septum one soon

=-=

instead of going home after school

he went to the smoke shop just down the street

his last cigarette had been used up yesterday

the owner looked up as the cheap and very tacky bell rang

"Dan." the owner greeted

"Hey Ken, I'm here to pick up my usual."

"Yeah, here ya go..."

"You aight? Seem kinda down today... haven't had your daily yet?"

"No... just that I've been runnin' low on customers y'see? So this guy approached me earlier... said he would buy the place."

"Oh... so you're just going to... go? And this new guy runnin' the place?"

"Yeah, but he's a bit fishy... watch 'im, I tell ya. He smelled of-"

Ken leaned in a bit closer

"He smelled of that newer stuff goin' around- meth or crack, somethin' like that. Mebbe even heroin. Dan, I know this is ironic comin' from me, but stay away from that stuff... it's unpredictable. Stick with tobacco, if you need somethin'. Not the safest... but still. You’re still a youngin’ Dan. You have a whole life ahead of ya. Still have the chance to y’know… maybe stop before it’s too late.”

"I will Ken... I promise. When ya leavin'?"

"Two days... good luck kid. Stay safe."

 =-=

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow what was that  
> after reading this over I realized how much it sucks  
> oh well  
> thanks for reading!  
> also sorry about rarely updating  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> wow that was way more intense and crazy than I intended
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this and hopefully more will come soon!
> 
> but I gotta finish a thematic essay for school 
> 
> no worries though! I'll work on it over winter break
> 
> if there's any questions, ask me in the comments and I'll try to respond asap


End file.
